3 Year Manniversary

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February 26th, 2019: 3 Years on Testosterone

February 26th marks the first day of the rest of my life. A day that means more to me than one can ever imagine. Changes continue to happen with every year that goes by. These changes are more than just physical; I wanted to touch base on some of the emotional and mental changes I’ve experienced throughout my transition.

Emotional changes I’ve experienced since starting hormone replacement therapy include:
* The ability to cry: I used to cry all of the time. Tears of anger, tears of sadness, tears of joy. Now I experience this emotional response once or twice a year, if at all. It’s not that I don’t experience sadness, I just respond to that emotion in a different way now. Inability to produce tears are due to the hormonal change. Doesn’t seem to effect me negatively.
*Anger: I was told by doctors and therapists that I would experience anger in a new way and that I may have a short fuse or act out without reason. Luckily I haven’t experienced the short fuse. I am impatient at times, but I’ve always been a tad impatient in certain situations. I also get over being angry quickly, opposed to letting it ruin my entire day as I would in the past.
*Emotional needs: Since being on testosterone, the amount of physical connection I once needed has changed, if that makes sense. I find I don’t need hugs or other forms of human connection as much as I did in the past. I have to remind myself that my partner still needs that connection much more than I do.

Mental Changes:
*The ability to multitask: Forget multitasking. You can throw that skill out the window once you start T. I used to get annoyed with my dad for his inability to multitask, but now I get it. I still am a little better than he is, but I struggle to complete multiple tasks at time at work and in life in general. I used to have this skill down, but as the years go on, I find myself only truly productive when completing one task at a time.
*Memory: My memory has seemed to have gone down hill since hormone replacement therapy. Maybe that just happens with age and stress, but I struggle to remember key things often. Not sure if this is in direct correlation with testosterone.
*Losing key items: Phone, keys and wallet: Three items I tend to lose on rotation. I never struggled with this before testosterone as I do now.
*Depression/aniexty: Is improving over the years as I gain more confidence and continue to work hard to build my body. I still have my days, but I can bring myself back out after a rough day much sooner than before. I just try to rememeber to take it day by day, each task at a time, so I can lessen the blow of being overwhelmed.

Other Changes:
*Tastebuds: I have heard of a change in tastebuds happen to other trans guys. I used to be a salty guy, now I’m sweet. Pickles; once hated now like. Curry/Ethnic foods; once hated, now love. Arugula: Hated; now love. Little food preference changes occured that I thought would never happen.
*Voice: My voice has luckily deepened  over the years. I still struggle to project, espeically in a crowd. It is frustrating when trying to talk to someone in a room full of people as I find myself yelling, yet no one can here me. I hope that I can strengthen my vocal cords over the years to come. I tend to lose my voice quite easily now as well as it doesn’t take much to strain it.

 

2 thoughts on “3 Year Manniversary

  1. I went through a period of being unable to cry as well. It may well be temporary for you or it may in fact stick around. Some guys say it never went away for them, some, like me, had the ability return. When I first started T (2008), there were plenty of guys talking about being unable to cry. Honestly, like with a lot of things I was reading, I considered it might be either an exaggeration or fallacy, as in, look at me, I’m so manly, I don’t cry anymore. Then it hit me. All of a sudden, I was completely unable to cry. It didn’t matter how upset I was, or how touched emotionally I was; I was not crying. It was fairly upsetting at first. I remember seeing that Dane Cook routine where he talks about having a really good, disgusting cry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHx6nRtWIa4) and the release it brings and thinking, “what?! Guys cry too?!” I’d struggled with depression for a long time by that time and I still wasn’t out of the woods yet by that time. There were times I really needed to cry and I simply wasn’t able to.

    Eventually, I made peace with it and just got used to it. After a year or so, I pretty much stopping worrying about it and just dealt with the emotions in a different manner. Then around 4-5 years in, all of a sudden I could cry again. It started with commercials, usually military and having to do with dogs and other animals (things I never used to cry about, LOL). Then slowly but surely, if I was upset and wanted to allow myself to cry, I could. It’s been nice to return to feeling like I could express all my emotions again, if I choose.

    Anyway, all that to say, it may indeed return.

    Like

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